Wisconsin is Known For Cheese, But This Was Ridiculous

Donald Trump Delivers the Worst Nuttiest Speech in American Political History

You owe me.  I stayed up late to watch Donald Trump give a speech. For you.  You know, just like he has been prosecuted on your behalf, sustained a horrific bullet wound to the outermost perimeter of his upper ear just for you. I’m like that.

A martyr. A kind of Jewish saint from Union County, New Jersey.

But I will keep it brief. I will offer bulleted reactions to the speech as it unfolded before my bleary eyes. I warn you though, if the speech meanders…I have to follow it where it goes:

·      Being a saint, I have to admit to you that I watched the entire run up to the speech on the TV with the sound off. I saw Hulk Hogan ranting and raving and Trump smiling and laughing along like an eight-year-old goon. But I have a long established prejudice against pro wrestling that dates back to when my grandpa used to watch it on their small black and white TV in the back of their apartment in Danbury, Connecticut and my father would rail at him that it was fake and he refused to believe it. But my grandpa, that grandpa, never really learned to speak English very well and the wrestling was sort of easily digestible. But I was kind of embarrassed for him.

·      Not however, as embarrassed as I was watching the faces of Trump’s family when Eric, the dimmest of the dim bulb clan, appeared on the stage and appeared to think he actually belonged there. Which. He. Did. Not. I wasn’t even listening but I could tell he was lying the whole time. Because, well, as a friend of mine from Arkansas used to say to indicate she was sophisticated, I been to Memphis.

·      I really feel for the delegates at this convention. We should not exploit people whose challenges make them unable to discern that they are being made fools of in this way. And with all due respect to Packers fans everywhere, no one looks intelligent wearing a large plastic block of cheese on their head.

·      The highest paid actress in the world, Melania Trump, entered the room and instantly reminded me of a line written by my wonderful old friend Joe Keenan in one of his very funny novels, “when she sucks an ice cube it doesn’t melt, it gets bigger.”

·      Hulk Hogan. Eric Trump. Kid Rock. DJT. The fake ear bandage. The corny, Las Vegas version of a red white and blue White House. It’s like the convention center is an intellectual black hole sucking the intelligence out of our country.